Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Hello, hello, hello, is there anybody in there?

I love my son. Truly, I do. But at the ripe old age of five months, he's a bit...clingy. Taking into consideration that I am not only his mother, but also the only other person he comes into contact with, this is not surprising. And there are times when it warms my heart that he wants to be near me every waking moment of his day. And then there are times when I wish, just for an hour, he could be near...someone else. It's those times that I feel like a wretched excuse for a mother, until I remind myself that it isn't wrong of me to wish for some private time of my own or that he was already a teenager and wanted nothing to do with me. Of course I know when that time actually comes I will wish for him to be the wonderfully sweet cuddly clingy five month old that he is now. But you see where I'm going with this...

Today has been a particularly bad day. Nothing has kept his attention for more than five minutes. He doesn't want to play in his bouncer. He doesn't want to play on his pillow. He doesn't want to eat. He doesn't want to nap. He just wants to be attached to me. Even now I'm "wearing" him in his sling while he takes his bottle and I sit at the computer typing. He's adorable, innocent, the love of my life, and clingy.

And herein lies my predicament. Just as I am the only person in his life, he is also the only person in mine. My husband is still far away, and our contact is sporadic at best. All of my friends are far away, either back home in Memphis or scattered over the country like little dots on a map. My only social outlet to speak of is playing World of Warcraft (no comments from the peanut gallery) with a group of men that I love dearly. This, I add sheepishly, is also how I met my husband. Somehow I managed to find myself playing an online game with a bunch of guys in the army, one of which was my future husband, and for two years now they have been my dearest and closest friends. Unfortunately, none of them are stationed here in lovely Kansas. So for a couple of hours at night after my son has finally released his death grip on me, I get to play my game and chat with my friends who are far away.

Now this is where the obvious question comes in. Why don't I make friends here in Kansas? And here is my answer. For the most part, I absolutely despise women. They are catty, manipulative, two-faced, lying, gossiping...bitches. There are exceptions. Rare exceptions. And of the women I've come in contact with so far who share my army-wife status, some are exceptions, and some are not. But the ones who aren't the bitchy sort are, however, the perky Pollyanna "oh I love being an army wife" sort. And I am not at all that kind of army wife. My husband is in the army, yes. And my close friends are in the army as well. And I love them and support them and am very proud of everything they do for this country. However, comma, I do not love the army or being married to it. I do not like that my husband and my friends get sent away from their loved ones for a year at a time to sweat their balls off in the desert. I do not like that they never know when they are going to get off work. I do not like that they are ridiculously underpaid for the work that they do and the sacrifices they make. I am not an army cheerleader, nor was I ever a tag-chaser whose goal was to snag myself a man in uniform. In fact, I await with great anticipation the day that my husband and my friends are no longer indentured servants to the U.S. Army.

Ok, ok, I'll get off my soapbox and back to the predicament at hand. How do I make friends amongst people who I have nothing in common with, except for the fact that we're all married to soldiers? I mean I look at these women, all standing around like clucking hens, and I think to myself, "I wouldn't last five minutes in a room with these women before I ran screaming for home." The FRG leader calls me on the phone and she sounds like the president of a college sorority. I miss the fiercely independent and open-minded women friends I had back home. The rare exceptions that I so dearly love. And I miss my man gaming buddies who make me laugh with the "guy stuff" they say.

But for now, I have my son. My dear, sweet, loving, tantrum-throwing, clingy son who stares at me with wide-eyed wonder regardless of whether I'm talking about the crappy weather we're having or all the things I need to do that I'm not doing or the fabulous new gold fossil watch with the diamond bezel that I found online. For better or worse he is my constant companion, my little Toto, who happily treads the yellow brick road by my side.


Anonymous said...

I am with you on your army views. I have always been grateful that Joe did not choose that path. I also share the same opinion you have of women, one of the many reasons why I have so little close friends. Women can simply not be trusted. :)

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