Wednesday, June 12, 2013

It's a Wonderful Life...

Sometimes, often actually, I find myself pondering this life that I live. Some people might find my life mundane, and I suppose I might think the same if the 35 years that led up to the last 4 years hadn't been so miserable.

I spent the first 35 years of my life pretty unhappy, in general. There were, of course, moments. Milestones in life that I was proud of, family get-togethers, the occasional trip out of town to some place new, and time spent with a handful of good friends that I had managed to separate from the chaff. But, most of the time, I was a lonely, overweight, and sad individual. And after 35 years, I had pretty much given up all hope of ever finding someone to love that would actually love me back, and I had definitely given up on ever being a mother.

For most of those first 35 years, I bounced back and forth between believing that God didn't exist, and believing that He had simply abandoned me. I felt like I was being punished. I felt like He had either forgotten I was alive, miserable and alone, or that the life He had given me was just a part of His twisted sense of humor. Either way, it seemed painfully obvious that He had no intention of making my dreams of love and children come true. My heart ached for things that everyone else seemed to get so easily, but that were never within my reach.

But then finally, at the ripe OLD age of 35, I finally found my somebody to love. And he loves me back. And then we had two phenomenally beautiful, smart and loving children. And maybe my mundane little life doesn't seem all that exciting to other people, but to me it's just plain heaven. I remember when Shaun and I got married and were on our way to Kansas, our mutual friends in the military all joked and made fun that Fort Riley, KS was the place where dreams went to die. But that has not been my experience at all. In fact, the place where dreams go to die is the place where all my dreams came true. The place where the giant gaping hole in my soul was finally filled up with hugs and kisses and the sound of children playing. The place where God finally remembered that I was here.

I used to hate my life. I dreaded waking up every single day. But I realize now that everything happens when it is meant to happen. If I had found love with someone else earlier in life when I was so desperate for it, I wouldn't have had Jameson and Fallon. I might have had kids, but not these two kids. And while these two children are certainly not without their issues, they are the perfect children for me, and I am the perfect momma for them. And while Shaun and I are each flawed in our own ways, together I think we make a pretty great team. Our marriage is a partnership, the way we both grew up believing marriage should be based on the model set forth by our parents. I love him while leading him in the direction he needs to go, and he loves me while holding me back from the things that aren't good for me.

I still remember how lonely and painful my life was for such a long time, but it makes me look at the life I have now with such amazing gratitude. I feel so incredibly blessed every single day. Even when something bad happens, I'm still able to focus on the big picture and remind myself that my life is nothing short of wonderful. Instead of feeling alone and abandoned, I feel like God always has His hand on me and my family, holding us together in good times and in bad. And maybe for those first 35 years, He hadn't forgotten me or abandoned me at all, but He was just holding me back from settling for something far less amazing than what He had in store for me.


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